“Survivor’s guilt is the response to an event that some people experience when they survive a traumatic event or situation that others did not. This psychological phenomenon can be associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety disorders, and complicated grief. Survivor’s guilt is described as the manifestation of tension, distress, or solitude that is triggered by a celebration of life, references to the deceased, and expressions of sympathy.” 

-National Library of Medicine September, 21 2023

Trauma has stayed  in my bones decades after I’m already safe. I feel it creep into my bloodstream before my mind can catch up. The shame I feel when other people celebrate. I can be brushing my teeth and remember that she is gone and will never brush her teeth again. I felt guilty when I got a year sober and every one of my birthdays. Christmas reminds me of hanging up on him when he needed me. Simple actions like a bath or reading a book or seeing live music can trigger it. Talking about my experiences feels alien and unnatural. It will always be a part of who I am and is something that has felt impossible for me to be vulnerable about. Like trying to hide my naked body in an empty house and every door is locked from the outside.